72 Results in anxiety

How to manage separation anxiety problems

In the previous article I provided insight into why autistic people might experience separation anxiety. Now I will look at what we can do to overcome or reduce this particular type of anxiety...

Understanding separation anxiety

Something that I remember very strongly from my childhood is a feeling of anxiety whenever my parents left me anywhere, such as to drop me off at school or when they went out for a while. As an adult, I still have that feeling of anxiety even now about my parents. I also sometimes feel anxiety when I am spending time with someone and the time is coming to an end. Saying "goodbye" can be really hard. It is obvious now why such situations make me feel so anxious. The anxiety is largely caused by the transition from being with someone to being apart from them. I have learned that transitions can be incredibly hard for autistic people. The Covid-19 lockdown will likely have emphasised feelings of separation anxiety for autistic people. For example, they might have been separated from family and friends who were part of a routine. And, as the lockdown is eased, autistic people will have to get used to being apart from those they live with because of the return to school and work.

Why autistic people need others to be reliable

One of the traits I most admire and need is reliability. If I am to have any sort of meaningful relationship with someone then they must be reliable. The fundamental reason is that when a person is reliable, their actions are predictable. If their actions are predictable then my relationship with them is also going to be predictable. That means a larger proportion of my life will be predictable. When my life is predictable I feel much less anxious. My mental health is improved. What do I mean when I talk about 'reliability'? A reliable person is someone who: Communicates clearly their plans Does what they say they are going to do Doesn't tend to forget about what they said Is organised in their mind Is responsive Is punctual Doesn't often change or cancel plans These are all characteristics that many neurotypical people also appreciate and admire. However, I think a lot of autistic people will have a much, much greater "need" for this characteristic in others.

How can I adjust to this new way of living?

We are currently living in challenging times, in which there is a lot of change and restrictions. Currently for most people this means only being allowed out of the house once per day for exercise. I receive messages from my friends. There is a trend in what they say. They say something like, "I am well, I'm just trying to adjust to this new way of living."  That sentence is very interesting. In my immediate world, not much has changed. My normal life is a life of semi-quarantine anyway! I am sure that many other autistic people also live similar, isolated lives. The greatest change for me has been observing changes in the outside world. Now, when I walk through my high street, it is deserted. All the shops and cafes I would usually go to are abandoned. All the car parking spaces at the sides of the roads, which would normally contain parked cars, are empty. It looks like a ghost town. I remember the last cup of tea I had from the cafe before it closed. I live in London. I have seen all the photos of central London in its abandonment. I know what central London is normally like. Now it is eerie. Another change for me is noticing the change in other people's behaviour. People who live 'normal' lives are no longer going out. People who usually see their family a lot, but are in circumstances where their family don't live with them, are in contact only by phone and internet. Or sometimes through a safe distance of the window as one person stands in the front garden and the other waves from inside the house! It is bizarre. If I do see anyone outside or in the supermarket, I see a lot of people wearing masks. This is now normal. People are looking different. When I go to the supermarket, many of the shelves are empty. I am no longer able to purchase my normal food. Like many autistic people, I tend to eat the same things, the same brands, and I have always tended to buy my food in bulk because I know I will eat it over a long period of time. I'm no longer able to buy large quantities of the food I like. Even on the rare occasions in the supermarket where there are multiple quantities of an item of food I like, I only buy one or two. My diet is going to have to change for the time-being.

How to help someone avoid masking

Masking is a word used to describe the behaviours by autistic people in order to 'hide' their autistic traits. As well as causing anxiety and exhaustion, another consequence of masking is that other people do not get to see the true person. This is a very sad situation to be in because it can ruin an autistic person's relationships. If an autistic person is never themselves around someone then it leads to the other person building up a false idea of their personality. This makes the other person have expectations of the autistic person that they are unlikely to be able to meet or maintain over the long term. In the end, the relationship is a great stress for the autistic person. In order to have a sincere and meaningful relationship with an autistic person, a neurotypical person could try doing some things in order to encourage the autistic person not to mask, and to help them "come out of their glass jar" a bit. Here are some strategies that I suggest:

10 ways to live in the moment

Living in the moment is a strategy that I use to reduce my anxiety. I didn't used to live in the moment but I can say with certainty that ever since doing so, life has confidently been a lot more comfortable for me. Here are 10 ways that I do this every day: 1. Focusing on what I am doing It’s often said that autistic people have an ability to ‘hyperfocus’ (deeply concentrate) on activities. If I am living in the moment then it facilities my ability to hyperfocus. I don’t think about anything other than what I’m actually doing right now. It enables me to create high quality work, get tasks finished and experience satisfaction! If I wasn’t living in the moment, this hyperfocus ability would not be utilised or appreciated (and it’s such an awesome ability to have!).

How does social anxiety differ for autistic people?

Long before I knew I had Asperger's Syndrome, my GP said I had social anxiety. I did some reading on social anxiety and although it did sort of fit me, it wasn't an exact fit. Most of the literature on social anxiety talked about people who have self-critical, negative thoughts such as... "Nobody likes me" "What if I make a fool of myself?" "I'm such a failure at socialising" I sort of had these thoughts, but wasn't really sure. Those thoughts were probably more linked to being young and feeling insecure generally rather than anything else. As I got older and after I was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome I realised that the thoughts I was actually having were more linked to my social communication difficulties rather than believing people to be judging me. I like myself and I know that I am a nice person! So once I fully understood and accepted that I had Asperger's Syndrome, I no longer had those sorts of thoughts at all. The reason for my social anxiety, now that I know I have ASD, is more to do with finding social interactions extremely difficult and overwhelming.

How to more easily collaborate with others

Like a lot of people on the autism spectrum, I have rigid routines and ways of doing things. This inflexibility is actually a method of coping and being able to do things well, rather than me being difficult. If I don't have such rigid plans and sequences, then I feel completely bewildered and nothing gets done at all. But what happens when your workload becomes so high that you feel you could benefit from the help of others? Or when you just feel a bit overloaded generally and could do with some practical support from others? How do you fit these people into your rigid routines? This is a massive problem that I face. As soon as other people get involved in my life, things start to go wrong - deadlines get missed, schedules get disrupted, inaccuracies occur, or people just do the wrong thing despite having good intentions. Often it means I end up having to do more work. It's not their fault though. It's just that, because of my Asperger's Syndrome, my life has to be extremely rigid and accurate. If it's not rigid and accurate then my anxiety becomes extremely high and I find it difficult to function.

The mystery surrounding anxiety

When I was younger I used to feel anxious most of the time. The point is, I didn't realise that it was anxiety. I knew I was "quiet", but the word "anxious" was never really brought up. Everyone called me "quiet". Quiet is a very common word and even children know what the word quiet means. What no one explained however, and what I did not realise at the time, was that "anxiety" can sometimes cause someone to be "quiet". And "anxious" can be much more of a problem than "quiet" is. "Anxiety" was a complete mystery to me.

The Glass Jar Theory

The glass jar represents the difficulties that an autistic person has, which makes them feel that they are living inside a glass jar. Watch our amazing video to see how being inside a glass jar might make a person feel: