Week to week, one of the most frequent feelings I experience is: abandonment. Intellectually, this feeling is always an irrational one, but I don’t think feelings have to be rational in order to ‘count.’ My feelings are still very real.
There is not one specific moment in my life I can pinpoint which would be the explanation for my feelings of abandonment. Although I had a horrific time at school, I love my family and my family love me, and we’ve always had a wonderful relationship.
I think, because I’ve never really had many friends, rarely been able to connect with anyone, the people I do connect with become very important to me. I will withdraw inside situations where I feel glass jarred but, around my loved ones, I am quite open and happy a lot of the time. Because it’s so rare for me to click with anyone, when I do, I don’t quite know how to cope with it. Obviously on the one hand I am euphoric, but on the other, there’s always this sense of, “I can’t get too close to them because one day they’re going to leave me.” I can’t depend on someone or love them too much because, whenever someone does go from my life, I feel so empty. And that empty feeling is so strong.
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